Grief Spasms
In early December our cat died. She had a radioactive iodione treatment for her thyroid, which was supposed to help her live longer. It was devastating that she died instead. I was on a walk in the woods when I got the call from the vet. Grief rolled over my already tender body as I hung up the phone. My muscles were sore from a week of stress hormones flowing through my blood stream. Hot tears and snot warmed my chilly face. I turned around and walked home.
Later, we received a text from a friend- “skiing is good and there are no lines, where are you??” We had not yet told anyone about Olivia’s death. We were like zombies, limbs and eyes heavy from lack of sleep and sadness, as we put on our snow gear and drove up to the mountain. The snow was beautiful, though. Large fat flakes fell silent and gentle. Despite my fatigue the familiar motions through fresh powder were soothing. I even began to smile a little. I felt my heart relax, and also, a building pain in my back.
This deep throb was in an unfamiliar location, beginning in the dead center of my spine and radiating out through my lower ribs. I suddenly couldn’t breathe well, or twist, which is a problem with skiing. I was like a rigid board the rest of the day, because of COURSE I didn’t stop. At the end of the day I couldn’t twist, bend over, or look down. As I winced and groaned while managing to take off my ski boots, the physical therapist in me smiled a knowing smile. And on top of it all, back spasms? Yes.
Our nervous system is an electric water system running through our body. Rivers, streams, estuaries of conduction and connection. Back spasms are the alarm system that gets tripped when the dam overflows. They usually happen in vulnerable places, because they are places of extra protection. Perhaps we’ve injured this area in the past, or it’s where we hold our stress. But it doesn’t mean the area has been damaged. Most spams come on out of nowhere, or from a benign movement like bending over to pick something up. Spasms say more about the electricity levels in our system as a whole than it does about the area experiencing the pain. When the small brook on the road where I live floods in the spring, it says more about how much snow is melting and how much rain we’ve had than it does about the brook itself.
My system was in emergency mode and depleted from lack of sleep. I had not yet built up my skiing stamina. The process of grieving is so physically demanding. The combination overloaded me, and grief spasms were the result.
As an integrative physical therapist, I assess much more than the structure of your back. I help you assess, monitor and manage your dam levels so that your nervous system doesn’t overflow. Craniosacral therapy sessions are especially good for nervous system health.